Twelve Steps to Recovery
by poeticgrace
Summary: Ryan Howard has Twelve Steps to take to regain control of his life and win back everything he has lost. Relly.
1. Step One

Ryan Howard first realized he had a serious problem with addiction the moment he found himself alone in his dingy New York apartment with Dwight Schrute and Michael Scott. He had lied that night, claiming that Troy was the one with the problem. It was only months later in rehab that he came to terms with the bad habit of lying he had honed during the past year of addiction. Sitting in that circle in the unforgivingly bright and sunny room in Florida, he had finally had to take a long and hard look at the man he had become. He wasn't sure how he had made the journey from business school graduate to corporate vice president to prison inmate to cocaine addict. He only knew that the long road had led him there, alone and surrounded by people who didn't give a damn about him. It was a lonely place to find yourself at twenty-six.

His dance with addiction had started innocently enough, just the occasional joint at a party when he was hanging out with his college friends. It wasn't until he had moved to New York that it had become anything more. Most people would assume that it was a result of being in the high-pace environment with the late nights and pretty people, but Ryan's story was very different. He only made friends once he started taking cocaine. He had used the crystal white powder to forget the ghosts that had followed him from Scranton.

_I admitted that I was powerless over addiction, that my life had become unmanageable._

He had uttered that sentence at his first Narcotics Anonymous meeting in Fort Lauderdale. The story changed every time he told someone. He had lied to Kelly that afternoon in the annex. One moment he had been kissing her, having everything that he had thought he wanted for months in lock up. And then, he was resorting back to his old ways, panicking as the emotions became real and she grew closer to him. He had thought that he was past all that when he had left prison. He had finally felt ready to let her in. Living for a year without her and seeing her slowly fall in love with another man had made him realize that he still wanted Kelly in his life. Even more than that, he needed her in his life. Knowing that couldn't stop the anxiety, however; if anything, it only made everything feel that much more important.

So, being the coward that he was, Ryan had broken up with her with some stupid lie about going to Thailand with old high school friends or some random kids from a high school. He couldn't really remember what he had said at the time. He had just needed to end it rather than going on living the truth any longer. He was comfortable with the lies. Addicts usually are. It's only when they are forced to deal with reality and look at what their lives had become that they start to worry. It was that anxiety that had sent Ryan to the airport the next morning with the little bit of money she had given him and his most important possessions stashed in a tote bag.

One week faded into two, and before he knew it, Ryan had lost nearly two months in Florida. He couldn't remember most of his days there. He would find himself at a bar, knocking back boilermakers for hours until a pretty girl with caramel skin and silky black hair would catch his eye. He would entertain thoughts of flirting with her until images of Kelly would flash in his mind. As soon as he would think of her, he was out on the streets, trying to find the first statuesque blonde that would take his mind off of her. He'd spend his nights screwing with random skanks and getting high, just doing what he could to survive the darkness. It was a numb and empty life, but it was the one that he deserved.

It was only after one night when he woke up alone in a dingy motel room with his wallet missing and blood dripping from his nose that Ryan finally started to admit that maybe something really was wrong with him. He could still remember crawling on his hands and knees to the bathroom and staring at his ghastly reflection in the cracked mirror above the dirty sink. His hair had been bleached blonde at some point, but he had no clue how it had happened. His eyes were sunken in and lackluster, his skin pale and dry. He knew that he probably smelled, and he couldn't remember the last time he had eaten any real food. As he stared back at a man that he didn't recognize, Ryan finally started to feel again.

He had sat on the floor of that bathroom, alternating between dry heaving as he came down off his high and sobbing uncontrollably as he came to terms with his life. After he finally managed to scrape himself off the dirty tile, he had called his parents collect back in Pennsylvania. When they hadn't answered, he had dialed the only other number he could remember off the top of his head. In fact, he could still remember the phone numbers for her direct extension at work, her apartment and her cell phone. He had spent months wanting to forget, but he had never been able to do it. He had never been able to let go of Kelly.

"Customer service, this is Kelly."

His grip on the telephone receiver as her bubbly tone greeted him warmly from hundreds of miles away. "Kel."

"Oh my gosh," she gasped. He knew that she hadn't been expecting to hear from him. Why should she? The only time he ever called her was when he was completely trashed, but he hadn't called her once since their breakup. "Ryan? Where are you? Are you still in Thailand."

"Kel, I need help," he cried into the phone. The tears had returned with full force, streaming down his hollow cheeks as he bent over on the lumpy mattress. "Kel, I need you."

"Tell me where you are," she murmured as she reached for a pen on her desk. He could almost imagine her uncapping the glittery pink gel pen that she always kept in reach. Ryan gave her the address while she scrawled it down. He could hear her shuffling things around on her desk as she shut down her computer. "I'm coming to you, Ryan, just hang in there okay. Don't go anywhere."

Kelly had spoken him all the way to the airport, not even hanging up as she bought a ridiculously expensive ticket for a last minute flight to Florida. She had stayed on the line while she waited to board all the way until the stewardesses had made her shut off her cell phone. The phone in his room had rung the minute she landed, and the conversation didn't end until she showed up at his door. Clutching only her purse and two cups of coffee from a gas station around the corner, Kelly had sat with him for hours as he started to detox. They talked very little. Ryan mostly slept. She feared that he would wake up and change his mind but decided to believe that he had reached his bottom.

When he had finally emerged from a long nap, Kelly had already packed his things back into the duffel bag. There was a taxi waiting for them at the curb. The calls had already been made to his parents and to the rehab center. His parents would pay for everything, and in thirty days, he would get to come home. She had held his hand the entire way to the facility, speaking to him about the little things that used to annoy him but suddenly seemed to matter more than anything.

And then she had walked him to the door and stood on her tiptoes as she kissed him on the cheek. "You can do this, I know it," she whispered in his ear as he held her tightly in the doorway. "You are going to get better and then you are going to come home. To me. I'll be waiting, Ryan. I've never given up on you to this point, I won't start now."

"I'm so scared," he confessed quietly, reaching up to wipe away the tears glittering in her dark eyes. He knew that she was just as scared as he was. "I don't know how to do this. I don't know how I am supposed to get through this."

Kelly didn't have the answers. In fact, she really didn't have much to say. She ignored the nosy nurses and the impatient doctors waiting for her to say her final goodbye. They were not going to take this moment from her. "You just do it, Ryan," she told him gently. He leaned down and pressed his forehead to hers. It was such a small and intimate gesture for a man that usually tried his hardest to keep the distance between them. "I've always believed that you could do anything that you wanted to do. Just think about all the celebrities that survived rehab and you're totally stronger than any of them."

He had to laugh at her comment, remembering all those issues of _US Weekly _that had littered his apartment for weeks when Lindsay Lohan had been in rehab. Kelly had been obsessively worried about the health of the teen star. However, as much as she had cared about Lindsay, it didn't even start to compare to how much she wanted for Ryan to get better. "Thanks, Kel."

"You got it," she smiled as she reluctantly pulled away from him. She knew that this was the part where she was supposed to say goodbye. She had never really been that good at saying that word. Instead, she decided to leave Ryan the way she had always left him when they were together. "I love you."

"Kel..."

"It's totally fine, Ryan, you don't have to say it back," she shrugged nonchalantly. She had gotten used to this part, too, the part where he pretended that he didn't feel exactly the same way that she did. "I'm the one that you called. You don't have to say it for me to know it's true. Maybe after all this is over you'll find the right words. Until then, you just need to work on getting better."

Thirty meetings in thirty days, Ryan had done exactly what he was supposed to do. He had gone to the individual therapy sessions where he was forced to talk about his emotionally unavailable parents, his inability to commit to anything real and all the other issues that had plagued him these past few years. He had shared his insecurities and his fears in group. He had read the books, taken the classes and abstained from anything that he used to consider fun. He'd called his mother every Sunday evening and Kelly almost every night. He had written her letters and even made her a wooden box in a crafts class. He had done everything they had asked him to do in Fort Lauderdale because of those words he had read that first night.

Ryan had spent the year since leaving Scranton in a drug-induced haze. He had become someone incapable of feeling anything, but Kelly had still managed to love him through it. She had gone back to him when he had tried to win her back, and she had stayed by his side even after he'd dyed his hair blonde and nearly overdosed in that motel. His life was unmanageable before that month in rehab. He had become completely powerless.

However, when he stepped off that plane a month later in Philadelphia and walked into his mother's arms, he had regained the tiniest sliver of control over his life. He knew that it would be a long walk out of hell, an even longer one that had brought him there. He would work his way back to the top, though, this much he was sure. He had a different reason for wanting to get ahead. It wasn't about power or money or prestige. Ryan knew that he had to prove that he was worthy. He had to show Kelly that he was worth her love. But first, Ryan had to get through step two.


	2. Step Two

Ryan had grown up as the only child in an upper middle class family. His father had been a high-powered attorney in Philadelphia, representing everyone from politicians to major corporations. His mother had been a socialite who spent her days lunching with the girls at the club and heading up one charity fundraiser or another. A good majority of his childhood had been spent with his nanny playing in the park. He had never really had much in the way of family, something that had always been drastically different from Kelly. While she talked to her sisters every night on the phone and asked her parents before she made any significant choices, Ryan barely spoke to his on major holidays.

Perhaps that was why he had never fully grown comfortable with how much Kelly seemed to care about him. In addition to the overwhelming need to escape he felt every time she talked about the future, Ryan had also been afraid that Kelly was right. She had wanted a life with him right away, marriage, kids, a home, all of it. She had stood up to her parents and turned down the chance to be married to one of the country's foremost surgeons just to stay with him. He had just been a business school student at that point and had less than two months under his belt as an official salesman. He hadn't made any sales, and his biggest goals were to go to Tahiti and buy an X-Box. Still, despite all that, Kelly had believed that he was the one she was supposed to be with. Whenever he asked her how she could be so sure, she had smiled at him as if he were the stupidest boy on earth and replied, "Sometimes, Ry, you just have to faith faith."

Faith was just one of the many things Ryan had struggled with throughout his life. It was hard to believe in much of anything when all you had ever known was a father who was never around and a mother who was bitter about it. It felt like his parents sometimes held it against him that he was even born. Ryan knew that it he was far too old to blame his decisions and mistakes on his parents, but it was hard to deny that his childhood hadn't messed him up. They knew it and he knew it. Maybe that's why they were trying to hard now. Maybe they had finally seen just how bad he was and how much he needed their help.

It was help that he was looking for that first night back in Scranton when he had sat alone on the couch in the basement, starting up at the ceiling and praying for someone to help him get through this. He wasn't sure what higher power he was praying to, but he had to believe that there was something up there. How else could he explain the fact that he was still alive after everything he had put his body through. He could think of at least three times he should have died while he was strung out, but someone had always been there to pull him back from the edge. There had to be something else bigger than him running things. It was the only way he could have survived this without completely losing his mind. It was that very realization that helped him come to terms with the next step he needed to take on his road back.

_I came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity._

Ryan had a long way to go before he was going to be what he would call sane. All he could do was pray that his higher power would be there to guide him in this. He knew that he couldn't do it alone, and so he started to pray for an angel. With his bright azure eyes squeezed tightly shut, he had asked for a savior over and over again. It became almost a trance after awhile as he repeated the words, at first in his head and then aloud. "Please come, I need you. Please come, I need you."

And just like that, his prayers were answered. He felt a weight on the end of the couch as his eyes slid open to see her beautiful smile looking down on him. He was up in an instant, pulling her into his arms. She was the best thing he had seen in the last thirty days, if not his entire life. "I'm right here, Ryan," she murmured as he hugged her tightly. "I promised that I woulds be here. I told you that I would come whenever you needed me."

"Yeah, you did," he sighed happily, starting the process of thanking his higher power all over again. He had been sent his angel in the form of a very curvaceous and bubbly Indian girl with a passion for pop culture and Ryan Howard. "I'm so glad you're here."

"I'm glad _you_ are here," she told him proudly. Kelly had wanted to be there at the airport, but Ryan's mom had insisted that his parents pick him up. They were reluctant to let their son be around too many of his old friends. All the doctors had said that going back to his old environments would only make the temptation that much greater. However, they had all agreed that Kelly was the only exception. She seemed to help Ryan now more than hinder him. "You look good, Ryan, really good."

Ryan blushed uncharacteristically from her compliment as they settled back onto the couch. He hadn't had a girl in the basement for at least a decade when he'd invited his girlfriend over to watch _Dawson's Creek_ junior year. He briefly wondered if he would have dated Kelly in high school. She had been a cheerleader and voted homecoming queen. He had played tennis and ran the business club. She probably would have been the one turning him down in those days. She should still be turning him down now.

"Kel, I want to thank you for coming down to Florida that night. If you hadn't come, I honestly don't know what I would have done," he confessed. "My life was at its absolute lowest point, and I just want you to know how much I appreciate you being there for me."

"You would have done the same for me," she shrugged. They both knew that he wouldn't have, especially then. He would have likely ignored her call and deleted her voicemails without listening. He still did have a few of the emails that she had sent him in New York, though. Okay, and maybe there were a couple of voicemails too and that one text message. "And just so you know, no one knows what really happened. As far as everyone at the office knows, you are still in Thailand. I didn't tell anyone, not even my sisters."

He appreciated that she had kept his secret without him having to ask, especially since he knew how hard it was for her not to confide everything in Rupa, Neepa and Tiffany. "So, um, we have these meetings that we are supposed to invite our families to go to. It's called Nar-Anon," he started to explain. They had encouraged his parents to join, and Ryan thought that Kelly might like to go, too. It had to be hard for her, and everyone could use a little support. If he had learned anything from all of this it was that it was okay to ask for help. "I was thinking that maybe you would want to go."

Kelly had actually read the fliers that the facility had given her the day she had taken him to rehab, but she had never told him about the meetings she had been going to back home in Scranton. They met in a church basement across town from her apartment every Thursday evening. While she typically would have been home watching _Grey's Anatomy_ and polishing her toenails, Kelly had been meeting people that were struggling with the same things that she was. One thing she had learned from all of those sessions was that honesty was important. "Yeah, I've been going to them for awhile."

"Oh, well, good," he said shortly. Kelly smiled at him kindly before reaching over and squeezing his hand. "I'm glad that you didn't have to go through this alone."

She rested her head on his shoulder as he flipped on the television and turned it automatically to some reality TV show he knew that she liked. They were both quiet for a few minutes as two of the contestants argued over something inane, much like the fights he used to coax Kelly into in the annex just so that he could makeup with her later. The old Ryan had had to play games to get what he wanted. The new one had to believe that his high power would provide it for him. It was hard to put your fate in someone else's hands, but he could see where his own decision-making abilities had gotten him.

Kelly reached for the remote and put the television on mute. "I've really missed you, Ryan."

"I've missed you, too."

"Not just this last month, but for the past year when you lost who you were completely," she told him. "You were such a douche when you were in New York, with your stupid fancy beard and ridiculous clothes and made-up stories. I wanted to hate you. I wanted to forget you. I guess that's why I went after Darryl. He was the antithesis of you. However, even when you were being a huge tool and I was with Darryl, I never stopped caring about you. That's how I knew."

"You knew what?"

"Duh, Ryan," she rolled her eyes. "That I'm always going to love you." He felt that familiar sense of panic rush through his veins before he forced himself to calm down. "But don't worry, we're totally not ready to be together. I mean, yeah, you're hot and all, but you're also all kinds of crazy right now. You have some major issues to work out before you can get with this."

He laughed at her then, enjoying how even when they were talking about something so serious, she was still so completely her. "Yeah, I do," he agreed. "But I like knowing that you're going to be there waiting for me when I get through."

"Of course I will," she assured him as she looped her arm through his. It wasn't a romantic gesture in the slightest but one filled with the comfort that comes only after knowing someone really well for a long time. Kelly knew Ryan better than he knew himself. She had been able to believe in him when there wasn't much to believe. "Maybe I could even go to one of your meetings with you."

The doctors had suggested that Ryan take someone that he loved to a meeting at least once, just so that they could see what he went through. He had thought about taking his mom at first, but she always seemed to have a last-minute appointment come up whenever he told her that he needed to talk. Even now, when she would drive him to the paltry job he'd found at the bowling alley, she would keep National Public Radio turned up loud enough that they couldn't talk. She wouldn't want to go to a meeting with him anymore than he would really want her there, and his father definitely wasn't an option. Truly, Kelly had always been the really the only option.

"Yeah, I think I'd like that."

"Good," she smiled as the show came back on and she returned her attention to the television screen.

It had taken him thirty days to take just two steps, to admit that he had a problem and that he couldn't do this on his own. He had come to terms with his faith, though he still wasn't entirely sure what that meant. He had forgiven his parents and himself for their past transgressions. He had accepted help from Kelly when she had offered it and even asked her to help him return. It might have been baby steps for anyone else, but it was a giant leap for a guy of Ryan's kind.


	3. Step Three

Kelly found him sitting on the stoop in front of her apartment building late one night after she had went out for drinks with Pam, Meredith and Phyllis at Poor Richard's. He was bent over, clutching his head in his hands with an unopened bottle of vodka resting between his knees. She watched him from the parking lot for a moment, waiting to see if he would take a drink or not. Kelly told herself that she would know what to do if he broke his sobriety, but she really had no clue how she was supposed to handle it. She had been going to meetings twice a week for two months now, but she knew that nothing that had happened in there could really prepare her for confronting Ryan's temptations for the first time. So she took a deep breath for courage and whispered a prayer to a Hindu god before sauntering up the sidewalk to talk to him.

"Hey."

Ryan couldn't bring himself to look at her yet. He had been sitting here for more than an hour now, trying to find the courage to either take a drink or chuck the bottle against the brick wall and watch it explode into a tiny million pieces. He had gone to his meeting tonight like he was supposed to but had headed straight to the liquor store as soon as he had slid behind the wheel of his father's Beamer. For most of Ryan's life, he had failed to live up to the lofty ambitions his father had for him. It wasn't surprising that he wasn't exactly thrilled that his only child was a recovering addict still living in his basement and working part time in a ratty bowling alley.

His counselor at the center had given him all these tips for dealing with the stress that came along with dealing with his parents, but any rational thoughts without the window the minute the Howards got into one of their legendary screaming matches. They always ended the same way – with his father pouring a scotch and stomping off to his study; with his mother sobbing into her martini in her dressing room; and with Ryan smoking a joint while he bounced a basketball against the garage door. However, left without his old vices, Ryan had had to try to mediate through the anger. Running around the block, listening to loud music and writing down his thoughts hadn't helped much either. Instead, he had stolen his father's keys, gone to the meeting, bought the vodka and came the first place he could think of.

"Did you get into a fight with your dad?" she asked knowingly as she sat down next to him. Ryan nodded in the pale glow of the porch light over head. Kelly knew about Ryan's tumultuous relationship with his parents. She had heard them go several rounds over the telephone when Ryan had was still living in Scranton the first time. "Want to talk about it?"

"Not really," he said finally. He fingered the paper bag in his lap. His lips twitched in anticipation, knowing just how good the burn of the clear liquor would feel as it slid down his throat. It would only take one sip and he would be gone completely. "I haven't done anything, Kel."

"I know," she said confidently. "You wouldn't have come here if you had. The only reason you came here is because you don't want to drink, Ryan. You wanted me to be the one to stop you, but I wasn't. You did that all on your own. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for sometimes."

He scoffed at her suggestion. It was hard to believe anything positive about himself when he was constantly reminded of his failures. "Why don't you try telling my dad that?" he asked sarcastically. She watched him rake his fingers through his dark hair anxiously. "I know that my life is a mess, but I'm really trying here, Kel. It's the hardest I have probably ever tried at anything in my entire life. It's hard enough to get through day by day, and he's always on me about the future. I know that he didn't waste all that money paying for business school just so I could end up at the bowling alley. Doesn't he think I've tried to find a job? Who is going to want a junkie who got fired for fraud from a paper company where he couldn't even make a sale? I just keep trying to make him proud and I can't. I can't do any more than what I am doing. When is he going to see that?"

"He may never see that, Ry, and maybe you're going to have to make peace with that," she pointed out. "You can't do any more than what you are doing right now in this moment. You have made a huge commitment to turn your life around. It's going to be hard, but look at how far you've come! You're kicking ass and taking names. Like, we didn't even have to go all A&E on you and do an intervention? You wanted help on your own. That right there is a victory in my book."

Ryan had learned that it was the small stuff that mattered the most right now, and having Kelly remind him of that spoke volumes about their relationship. She was always finding tiny ways to believe in him, even when he really didn't deserve it. It was hard to understand how someone could have such blind faith in him, but when it came down to it, that's what believing in anything is about. You just have to have faith that it's going to be there to save you. That was the only way he was ever going to really be able to get through the next part of his recovery. It was the only way he was ever going to really be able to be worth her faith in him. And so, with Kelly sitting next to him, her tiny little hand folded in his, Ryan made a silent commitment to go that next step and become a man that they could both love.

_I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him._

"And by the way, what you said earlier," she looked over at him. She reached down and tilted his chin so that his blue eyes met hers. They glittered even in the dark, touching the deepest part of her that no one else had ever been able to reach. "You might have been all those things, but that's not who you are. That's not the guy sitting next to me, not even close. I'm going to want you when this is all over, Ryan. I've always wanted you."

"I don't deserve you."

"I know," she smiled as she elbowed him gently. "What do you say we throw that vodka away and you come upstairs for some coffee? I have _Family Guy_ left on the DVR from the other night. I never stopped recording it after we broke up. We could watch it together if you want."

He didn't even bother to tell her that he had already seen the episode last night. "Yeah, I think I'd like that," he decided. Ryan helped Kelly to her feet before jogging over to the dumpster to throw the bottle away. They both knew that there would be other nights like tonight, and Ryan couldn't help but hope they all ended like this. "So what's been going on in the office?"

Kelly hadn't really talked to Ryan about work much since he got home. She knew that what had happened at Dunder Mifflin was partly what had driven Ryan to his breaking point. "They finally brought someone in as a vice president," she told him. He would know eventually. "Michael hates him, of course. He just keeps going on and on about how Charles isn't you. I mean, he's right, the two of you are pretty different."

"Oh, he doesn't have something to prove?" Ryan asked cynically as Kelly unlocked her apartment. He didn't even have to mess with the light as he came into the living room. He still remembered where everything was, even in the dark.

"I'm not really sure," she admitted. She hadn't really paid attention to Charles much more than the fact that she thought he was hot. It was a temporary distraction to keep her mind off Ryan. It was just a harmless crush, and it was made even more fun because it included making Angela mad. She had never really wanted Charles to start with, but that didn't mean that she couldn't keep Angela from having him too. "Michael has been talking about quitting actually."

"Yeah, I know."

"Wait? What?"

Ryan looked over at her sheepishly. "I kind of talked to Michael a couple nights ago. Apparently he found out that I was back in town from 'Thailand,' and he wanted to catch up. He called my cell phone like ten times before I finally picked up. I just told him that my voice mail was still spotty. He seemed to believe it."

"He didn't mention that you had talked to him..."

"I actually told him to keep it a secret. I think he likes the fact that we have a secret together," Ryan chuckled appreciatively. "I'm also pretty amazed that he kept it a secret. That's never really been his strong suit."

"Is he still totally obsessed with you?"

He shivered as tiny flashbacks of all the moments where Michael had crossed the line when it came to his weird crush on Ryan. "Michael is Michael," he shrugged. "I can't believe I'm about to say this but I almost missed him. It's nice having someone who only sees the good in you. I mean, there was that one time when he called me a bitch when I was in New York, but I was being an ass. I guess I was like that a lot, huh?"

"Yeah, you were a total douche when you were at corporate. In fact, you were kind of like that a lot," she admitted. "You should have heard some of the things we said behind your back! Like Jim, oh my gosh, his were the funniest!"

"I probably deserved it," he conceded. He had been especially terrible to Jim, holding his power over his head just because Pam had shut him down. It wasn't like Ryan was really interested in the receptionist. He just wanted to get something that Jim hadn't been able to pull for like three years. He also wanted to get back at Kelly for her pregnancy stunt. It had been stupid and immature on his part. That seemed to be a common theme back then. "So if I was such a douche, why did you stick around?"

"Because you weren't always a douche," she smiled. "Especially when we were aways from the cameras, you'd sometimes slip up and let this guy come through. The moments may have been few and far between, but they were always pretty worth it. Like dancing with you at the Christmas party. You never wanted anyone to see you be nice to me, but the thing you forgot was that I could see it."

Ryan had always known that she had seen it. In fact, she was the only one who had. Even he had missed out on how much he cared about her. "I'm not going to be that guy again."

"I know," she said for the second time that night. "You know that you need to deal with everything, your parents and the office. I'm not saying that you have to do it now, but eventually, you're going to have to confront your past."

"I know that I will, but I'm starting with the most important person first," he told her seriously. He turned to her and smiled softly. There was no judgment between them anymore. They were just two people trying to figure out what came next. "Can I tell you something?"

"Of course," she smiled simply. "Anything."

"I love you."

"I know," she said again before leaning over to kiss him on the forehead. "Me too."

As Ryan settled back against her couch to see what antics Stewie had gotten into this time, he thought about how confident Kelly was that he was going to get better. He had finally said the three little words that had scared him for so long, but it didn't seem like such a big thing anymore. She already knew that he loved her. That was what that phone call back in Florida had been about. She was the one that he had needed then, and he knew then that she was the one that she was going to be the one that he wanted for the rest of his life.


	4. Step Four

Ryan sat alone at a small coffee shop a few blocks between the bowling alley and the Dunder Mifflin, staring over the brim of his mug with his mind racing. People littered all around him, giggling teenage girls and gruff professor types and the occasional soccer mom with a stroller. He had twenty minutes until his meeting, one that he had been both looking forward to and dreading for the past few weeks. Step four was a big step. His sponsor had been going over it with him since the start. It had taken him a week's worth of solid work to get here, and tonight, he would share all his darkest demons with the world.

Kelly was already there with his parents when he arrived to the church. They were sitting in the back with some of the other outsiders who had been invited there to listen in on the session. There were always a few extra family members or friends there to lend their support, but this was the first time Ryan had actually brought someone. He had talked to both his mom and ex-girlfriend about coming at different points, but he had wanted to wait until this point. He knew that he was going to have to tell him both a lot of the things he had done, so it was just easier to kill two birds with one stone.

"Hey, mom," he said softly as he greeted her, clutching his trusted notebook under his arm as he reached forward to embrace his mother. She kissed his cheek solemnly before releasing him. Ryan felt like his parents were both examining him to see if their investments. His father seemed disappointed, his mother unaffected. "I'm really glad that you could come. Both of you."

"Yes, well, son, just remember that your mother and I had to put off our trip to come to this little meeting of yours," his father reminded him coldly. Ryan's automatic response was to snap back at him, but he swallowed his anger. People were going to judge him, even his own parents. He just had to find a way to deal with it.

Ryan's mom swatted his father's shoulder and grimaced at him. "You don't listen to him, honey, you know that you are the most important thing in the world to your father and me," his mother oozed. The insincerity was sickening. He wanted to believe that they cared that much, but before he even had time to really process it, his father's phone started buzzing and they disappeared into the hallway.

"Well, you mean the world to me," Kelly smiled as she slid her arms around his waist and hugged him. It was nice to have someone embrace him and have it actually mean something. He rested his chin on top of her head. "In fact, you mean even more to me than my phone."

An amused chuckle slipped out of Ryan's mouth as he peered down at the petite Indian girl standing before him. Just when he thought he knew exactly who Kelly was, she found another way to surprise him. "Thanks for coming, I really appreciate it."

"Where else would I be?"

"It's Monday night. I know that you're missing _Gossip Girl_ to be here. That must mean I still rank, huh?" He knew that she was probably saving her favorite show to her TiVo, and he would be subjected to a complete update when she watched it later. They had fallen back into that old habit, late night phone calls where she would talk to him until they both fell asleep. It was one of the few old ways that he wanted back in his life. He liked hearing the tiny details over her life. She'd even helped him touch up the dye job a few days ago.

"Ry, this meeting is really important. I know what step comes next," she murmured as her dark eyes met those glimmering pools of blue. She still could drown so easily in his gaze, so willing to let him pull her under. It was a scary place to be but the closest thing she knew to home. Even if she was going to hear all the sins he had committed over the past two years, she was committed to not letting it change anything. "Are you ready?"

He held up his notebook and nodded. She knew that he had been working hard on making the list. Just as he was about to say something else, the group leader came into the room and directed everyone to take their seats. With one last hug for luck, Ryan slipped into the second row without looking back to see if his parents had returned. It didn't really matter if they were there anymore. He had invited them, and if he mattered, they would listen. This was really about himself and about Kelly. He was getting better for the life that he wanted for himself and with her.

The first half-hour of the meeting flew by as the family went through their usual series of rituals and prayers. A few people were recognized for reaching their milestones, while others shared their failures and successes for the week. Finally, the leader searched the crowd and met Ryan's gaze with a slight nod. With a deep breath for courage, Ryan slipped past the others in his row and made his way to the podium. He was careful to avert his eyes from Kelly's. He was afraid that he would look in her eyes and lose his confidence. This had to be said, it had to be done.

_I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself._

"My name is Ryan, and I am an addict," he announced at the front of the room. The audience responded with their typical greeting before he continued. "Today, I am coming to terms with step four. It's a hard thing to sit down and literally write down all of the things I have done. I did a lot of very unforgivable things in the depths of my addiction. I was at the depths of hell at my lowest point, you all know my story. I ended up strung out on a bathroom floor in a hovel in Florida when I came to terms with my addiction. One phone call and a few hours later, I was on my way to rehab."

"Every single day is a struggle. In fact, there is a good chance that I will struggle with my addiction every day for the rest of my life. I know that it will get easier over time, but right now, it's hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel," he admitted as he scanned the crowd. "As I looked over my list of transgression this afternoon, I realized that there was one common theme running through it. The person that I hurt most in this was myself. I always thought it was someone else, but I've come to realize that by hurting those people, I hurt myself too. I used drugs to forget that and as a weird sense of punishment."

"Other than myself, no one has been hurt more by my addiction that my girlfriend, Kelly," he confessed. "Her name appears the most times on my list. I cheated on her, I ignored her, I degraded her, I made her feel like she didn't matter. The truth was that I didn't want anyone to see how bad I really was. I had no clue at the time that Kelly could see everything. She's always been able to do that with me, see through all the crap and get down to who I really am. Maybe that's why I pushed her away the most – I didn't want to have to see what she already knew."

"There are other people on this list, including my old friends from work and my parents. There are a lot of people I have to make amends with. They deserve an explanation and an apology. Some of them will forgive me, and some of them will brush me off. I have to be okay with the fact that some people will probably never see me as anything more than the addict they've known these past two years," he said sadly. "Besides Kel, I really need to make something up to my old boss. Our relationship has never been, uh, conventional, but Michael really cares about me for some reason. He has no real reason to even like me, but he has always been really supportive. I've started talking to him again, and I realize now that he needs that apology.

Ryan finally allowed his eyes to meet Kelly's as he started to wrap up his testimonial. "I invited Kelly and my parents here tonight to hear this because I knew that it wouldn't be easy for me to say it twice. I haven't even started to deal with all the things that I have done. I still have to go through this moral inventory item by item and confess them to God, to myself and to another person. For me, Kelly is going to be that person. She is the one person who I need to know all of this because I want her to know all of me. She deserves answer, and she deserves the love that I couldn't give her for so long. Wouldn't give her, I guess." He held her gaze for a moment and smirked. She had always loved that smile. "Thank you."

The room erupted into applause as Ryan ducked his head and sheepishly took back his seat. He wanted to look back over his shoulder for her, but he had to respect the rest of the speakers. The next hour was the longest of his life, but he managed to sit patiently while everyone else talked. However, as soon as they had closed with the serenity prayer, Ryan was on his feet and headed to the back of the room. Kelly flew into his arms as she sprinted down the aisle toward him. "Ryan!" she squealed. "You were so amazing! I am so proud of you!"

"Thank you," he whispered as he held her tightly. "Thank you."

"Well, you must be Kelly," one of the others in the group announced. They shared a lot in NA, so they had all heard quite a bit about his ex-girlfriend. "I'm really glad that you could come out tonight and hear Ryan's progress."

"I know, isn't he great?" she grinned. "I'm very proud of him."

"You should be," the man said politely. "He's made it very far."

Kelly wanted to tell the man that he had no idea what he was talking about, but she just smiled kindly and entertained him. She just wanted him to go away so that she could be alone with Ryan. She wanted him to know how proud she was of him. However, one by one, people came up to commend him for his act of bravery and meet the bubbly girl who had captivated so many of his stories. He retrieved some punch as a younger girl talked her ear off and returned with his parents in toe. Kelly wasn't sure how much of Ryan's speech they had actually heard but could tell that he was pretty upset. She wished that he could have parents that were as supportive as hers. As overbearing as they may be at times, it was only because they wanted the best for her. They were always there for her no matter what, especially since they had lost her sister.

"Hey, Ry, can you drive me home?" she asked suddenly. He was starting to get that twitchy look he always got when he was anxious to escape. She knew the look better than anyone. "I'm tired and I have work in the morning."

"Yeah, sure," he replied quickly, relieved to escape. Pam had dropped Kelly off at the church on her way home so that Ryan would have to take her home. It was their built-in escape clause. With a curt kiss on his mother's cheek and a nod to his father, Ryan led her out of the church and toward his mother's car. "Thank you, you're always saving me."

"Some day you'll repay the favor," she smiled as he held the door open for her. It had been a long time since he had done something so chivalrous for her. He jogged around to the other side and climbed behind the wheel. "You did really well tonight, Ryan."

"Thanks, I was kind of nervous."

"I know, but you did well," she assured him. "I need to ask you something."

"What is it, Kel?" he asked as he stopped at the light near her apartment building.

She looked straight ahead, the amber glow of the street lamp casting across her face. "You said that you cheated on me..." Ryan nodded. They had both known. "It wasn't this last time after Darryl was it?"

Ryan shook his head. "No, I really tried then, Kel."

"Okay, good," she allowed, although her voice was still strained. "It's just that felt different."

"It was different," he promised. "I really wanted it to work then, I was just..."

"You were just sick," she finished for him. "It's okay, Ryan, I forgive you."

"You're awesome, you know that?" he grinned.

"Uh, duh!" she squealed again as he pulled into the lot next to her car. "Want to come upstairs?"

Ryan rested his palms against the steering wheeling in contemplation. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"Coffee and _Gossip Girl_, Ryan Bailey Howard!" she giggled. "Sheesh, get your mind out of the gutter."


	5. Step Five

Ryan was celebrating his 120th day of sobriety tonight, quite an achievement considering the only thing he had ever committed to longer in his life was a relationship that he really didn't want the majority of the time they were together. Kelly had come by the bowling alley on her lunch break and eaten quietly with him in the snack bar, never complaining as he offered her fried cheese sticks and stale popcorn instead of the barbecue and Italian she had become accustomed to since she started dating Darryl last year shortly after he left for New York. They never really talked about her relationship or acknowledged the fact that there was someone else involved with her as much as he wanted to be. She rarely mentioned him, only the occasional slip whenever he would ask about her plans for the weekend or when she was talking about something that had happened at the office.

Ever since he had made his grand declaration during the meeting a few weeks ago, Kelly had been doing her best to be supportive without clinging too tightly to hope that something more was going to happen. She had Darryl, someone who had always cared about her and only put her second to his daughter. He never made her feel less than she was, but she could also tell that his heart was only half in the relationship. It was like he knew that she wasn't really all there with him, something she knew had gotten worse since Ryan had come back to Scranton. She had confided this in him while they shared a bag of Famous Amos cookies right before she had to head back to the office. She was wearing a lilac slip dress and smelled like vanilla and cinnamon. That was the part he remembered the most.

Now, hours later, he was standing outside the church, getting ready to go inside for another meeting whee he would celebrate his milestone with some overly sweet punch and a plastic poker chip. He would get back in his mother's home, go back down to the basement where he could hide from the fact that he had an actual maid and watch mindless television until he fell asleep. It wasn't exactly the way he would have liked to recognize six full months of sober living, but he didn't really have that many people in his life. His mother was away for a long spa weekend with some of the girls from the clubs, and his father was staying over in the city so that he could just work through the weekend. Ryan thought about inviting a few old friends over to play poker or something, but he knew that they would only carry temptation with him. His only other real option was to hang at the bowling alley since it was Friday night and Kelly was out with her boyfriend. It still stunned him sometimes that this is what his life had become.

"Temp?"

Ryan looked up automatically at the sound of his old nickname, something he had outgrown two years ago when he was officially hired by Dunder Mifflin when Jim had escaped to Stamford. He was shocked to see Meredith standing their, her signature oversized cup in her hand as she rang her fingers through her flame red hair nervously. "Hey, Meredith," he greeted her softly. He knew immediately why she was there. The Alcoholics Anonymous meeting met just before the NA meeting downstairs. Kelly had mentioned something about an intervention gone awry that was headed by Meredith. Maybe something had sunk in. "How are you doing?"

"Better than you, it looks like," she chuckled without really thinking. She had always come off as gruff, but he knew that she was mostly a nice woman. She'd always made for a good time at a party if nothing else. Unlike drunk Ryan, drunk Meredith knew how to live it up. The only time he was able to loosen up was on coke, but that had brought out other darker repercussions in him. "I didn't know that you were back in town or that you were doing the whole sobriety thing."

"Yeah, well, you know," he shrugged without offering up much else explanation. No one else knows that I'm back, so I'd appreciate it if you could keep it under wraps. The whole anonymous part of the deal, right?"

Meredith looked at Ryan as if she couldn't care less that he was back in Scranton. She had her own problems, her own things to deal with. "Look, I won't tell either one of your stalkers that I saw you here," she promised. "The last thing you probably need are Kelly and Michael sniffing around you and making things harder. I know how Michael can be when he's trying to 'help' anyone. He's kind of a disaster."

They spoke for a few more minutes politely before Meredith excused herself with some explanation about her son. Ryan briefly remembered the sarcastic kid who'd visited on Take Your Daughter to Work Day and made Dwight's life a living hell. He'd liked him for the most part, much more than Stanley's daughter who wouldn't leave him alone. Being screamed at like that had been scarier than his night in prison, and that was really saying something.

His meeting flew by, and before he knew it, Ryan was coming out of the meeting with a renewed vigor. He always felt recharged after these meetings. They were a free form of therapy and served him much better than those sessions his parents had sent him too when he was a kid. He felt like these people actually got him and understood where he was coming from. There was little judgment, especially since a lot of them had done so much worse than he ever had. It gave him newfound hope every time he had a really good meeting. It made everything seem possible, like he might just actually be able to make it out of this after all.

He was lost in his thoughts when he came up upon his car. Sitting there on the hood, her legs crossed at the ankles to accentuate her strappy red heels, Kelly was grinning at him like one of those showroom models at dealerships. He laughed as she slid awkwardly down off the hood and came over to hug him tightly. "Happy Six Month Sober Anniversary!" she squealed, throwing her arms around him. "Let's go do something to celebrate! What are you feeling like? Dinner or a movie? We could drive into Philly and see a baseball game or something. I'll do whatever you want!"

"What are you doing here?" Pain flickered in her eyes briefly before he reached for her hand. "No, I'm glad that you are here, I'm just surprised. It's Friday. Shouldn't you be out with Darryl?"

"Probably," she agreed, "but I'm not. I'm here. I don't want to talk about why. I just want to be with you tonight. I feel like it's important that you celebrate this, Ryan. I want to be apart of that."

Ryan thought about telling her that she was the biggest part of his sobriety but knew that it would put a pressure on the situation that neither of them needed. Instead, he smiled at her genuinely and nodded. "Alright, that sounds great," he declared. "I don't really feel like going out or anything. I think I'd just like to drive out to Lake Scranton and look at the water. There are some things that I need to talk to someone about."

They made an arrangement for Ryan to follow her to her apartment so that she could leave her car before they headed out to the lake. Twenty minutes later, they had found a secluded spot out near some docks where the stars provided the only light around them. He killed the engine but left the Shins playing softly in the background. Turning in his seat, he watched her for a moment. Her eyes danced as she looked across the sparkling water with wonder. He loved how she could get so caught up in the smallest things.

"Kel."

She looked over at him with a raised eyebrow. "What is it?"

"I lied to you."

_I admitted to God, to myself and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs._

"What?" she asked confusedly. She usually could pick up on when he wasn't telling the truth, even when she didn't confront him on it. Sometimes it was easier to just let it go and let him believe he was fooling her. He liked to think that he was far smarter than her, but she was usually pretty aware of what was going on with them. "When?"

"It had to be that first time I came back to Scranton after I moved to New York. I remember we were fighting back in the annex when I was going on and on about how I was your boss now. Man, I was really pompous, wasn't I?" he laughed humorlessly. "Anyhow, you told me that I never cared about you and called me out on my stuff. I made up some lie about turning down Karen. I never did that. In fact, I actually asked her out. A few weeks after that fight, I actually tried to ask Pam out. I wanted to rub it in your face, especially after that whole fake pregnancy thing. It wasn't too long after that when you were with Darryl. I wanted to hurt you as much as it hurt me to see you with him."

"It's okay."

"No, Kel, it's not," he muttered frustratingly. "You just forgive me for everything."

"Ryan, I lied about being pregnant," she pointed out. "I can't fully blame you for wanting to escape at that time. I was overwhelming and put so much pressure on you. I did the exact same things that made you hate your parents. I had built up these expectations for what I wanted you to be, and I made your life hell when you failed to live up to them. That wasn't fair of me. I shouldn't have been disappointed. I should have adapted to the person that you were."

"But that was only one of the million things that I did to hurt you. I would do it all the time, on purpose, just to push you away. I wanted to see how much you could take before you would break," he remembered. "You never did. You would just jut out your chin and remind me that I loved you. Even when I denied it, you'd smile at me in a way that told me you knew. I was so wrong. I am still so wrong. I have made so many mistakes, but my biggest one was how I treated you."

"Yeah, Ryan, it like totally sucked at the time. I'm not going to lie. It used to drive me bananas that I couldn't have a normal boyfriend who was really into me and wanted babies and stuff with me," she admitted. "But I wasn't a picnic either. I was pretty much a nightmare actually. We both had to change to get to this place. I'm okay with it."

It still wasn't exactly the place that he wanted them to be, but Ryan was taking part in the cleansing that came with the next rung in his ladder toward a full sober recovery. Confession was good for the soul. He had come to terms with it himself and had laid his burdens at God's feet. However, to actually tell someone that he had been wrong and that he was still wrong, it showed the chink in his armor. He would never be perfect, no matter how much his parents wanted him to be and no matter how hard he tried. He could only be this person, a broken man who was just doing his best to right his wrongs and earn back his life. It wasn't much still, but it was a start.


	6. Step Six

"Ryan, no."

He felt like a little kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He hadn't stared this long or this hard at a girl since seventh grade when he had sat behind Kate Robertson in Mr. Miller's third hour science class. However, as he sat across from Kelly at the small pub in downtown Scranton, he knew that he had been staring at her for longer than he had realized. She had been going on and on about something, but he had been fixated on her darkly painted lips and glittering coffee eyes. She looked beautiful tonight without even really trying. With her hair loose around her shoulders and dressed in jeans and one of his old hoodies, it reminded him of those first days hanging out two years ago. He had been just a temp then, living on his meager wages while he paid for business school and shared an apartment with his friend. She had just moved out of her parents house, and neither of them had the financial means to do much more than get a few drinks during happy hour and watch television on her couch. He hadn't realized how good he'd had then, how happy she'd actually made him.

"What?" Ryan finally found his voice as he watched her take a long sip of her beer. As girly as she was, Kelly was one of the few girls that could actually keep up with his friends when they were drinking. She liked her mixed drinks when they were hanging out in mixed company, but for the most part, she was fine pumping her own beer from the keg into a red cup. Even if he wasn't drinking these days, he still found it incredibly sexy the way her lips encircled the beer bottle. It was like she was purposely trying to draw his attention to her mouth.

Kelly scoffed as she ran her slender fingers through her dark and silky bob. He had liked it when it was longer, right around the time he'd gone with her to Diwali. They'd actually had fun that night, even if he hadn't really wanted to go. "I know what you're thinking about, and you are not going to kiss me," she professed confidently. It would be useless to deny it. She could have recognized his bedroom eyes anywhere, and right now, those gorgeous baby blues were frozen on her. "I have a boyfriend, and we're still friends. That's all you can handle right now. That's what you need."

The more time they spent together, the less sure he was that her friendship was all he needed right now. He knew his sponsor wouldn't approve of the feelings he had for Kelly. He was supposed to learn how to take care of himself before he could even start to think about how he could be with someone else. It was just another one of the things that he wanted to change about himself. He had a long laundry list of the changes that he had made and of the things that he would have to work on before he would be anywhere near ready to be with a girl – to be with Kelly.

_I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. _

"That's not what I was thinking about!"

She giggled at his vain protest. "C'mon, Ry, you're going to have to do better than that if you want to hide your feelings from me," she pointed out. "We've talked about this before. I can read you like a book. Whatever is going on between us is just going to have to wait until I'm really sure you're ready. I'm not just trying to protect me here. I don't think I could handle you breaking my heart all over again."

"Who says I am going to do that?" he asked honestly. He hated that the odds were stacked against him before he had even tried to start anything. "Kel, I've changed."

"I know you have, but you're still changing. We're not just talking about me here, Ryan. You know that I was with Darryl, and he loved me. He was really there for me last year when you unceremoniously dumped me and started being a super douche just because you got some stupid promotion. I know for a fact that you don't even like New York! Seriously, you never told me what the hell that was about."

"I had to prove that I could do it."

"Do what?"

Ryan was just about to answer when he saw Jim and Pam come through the door. What were they doing here? He didn't say anything as he darted from the table and disappeared into the bathroom. They still didn't know that he was back. As he hid just inside the door of the men's room, he could hear Kelly's bubbly voice greet them. "Oh my gosh, Pam! What are you guys doing here?" she asked excitedly. Ryan knew that it would only take a few minutes for her to drive them away. People always thought that she was this annoying without realizing it, but Kelly knew how to turn it up to get what she wanted. "Jim, you guys have to sit down! I was supposed to hang out with my friend but she like totally bailed on me! Can you believe it?"

"Um, actually, we were just picking up food," Jim lied. "It looks like this place is too packed to get something real quick. I think we're going to go."

"Oh, no," Kelly murmured, feigning disappointment. "Well, I guess I will just see you Monday."

"Do you want a ride home, Kelly?" Pam asked kindly. She had always been nice. That was the problem with Pam. She was almost boring. Everything was always the same with her, no matter how hard she tried to change with her classes in the city or being with Jim instead of Roy. "You really shouldn't drink alone."

"I'll just call my sisters," she lied. "You guys should go home and be together. I'd hang out with Darryl but he's with his daughter tonight. Anyhow, Tiffany will come get me."

After a few more minutes of polite conversation, Ryan came out of his hiding place to find Kelly sitting alone at the table. She had traded her beer for a sparkling water. His soda had been replaced with a fresh glass. "You're going to have to see them eventually."

"I know, just not yet."

"Michael isn't working now, it's only a matter of time before he shows up at your parents' house or at the bowling alley. He is the only one besides me that knows your back. I think he missed you almost as much as me."

"Almost?"

"No one could miss you as much as I did."

He held her gaze for a long moment before slipping from his booth. He knew that this was against the rules. He knew that this could set him back and that it was moving way too fast and that it jeopardized an old relationship that Kelly was still pretending to care about. He knew that she could reject him and shatter his heart. He knew that it could drive him to use again. However, he had to risk it because in that moment, Kelly had become his drug. She was his addiction, his craving, his next big fix. Without a word, he slid in next to her and brought her curvaceous form to him. Threading his fingers in his hair, he brought his face hungrily to hers and captured her mouth in a perfectly soul-sucking kiss. Kelly didn't pull away as he held her, kissed her, loved her so thoroughly. Only when their lungs were devoid of air did he pull away.

"That was not a good idea, was it?"

Kelly smiled at him sleepily. "Probably not, but I'm glad you did it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she answered as she kissed him again. "This is so bad. I feel like I did last fall."

"This will work out better, I promise."

She studied him a moment. "Tell me why you went to New York."

"I had to prove that I could get out of Scranton and leave all of this behind. I felt trapped. I was scared that I was going to be forced into a life that I didn't think I wanted. You weren't apart of the plan," he tried to explain. "I was wrong, Kel. You were the life that I wanted. You changed my plan. I just wasn't ready to deal with it. You wanted all these things, and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to give them to you. I've never felt good enough for anything or anyone, no matter how I pretend to be."

Kelly looked down at her hands in her lap. "Ryan, Michael is going to start his own paper company, and I know that he wants you to be apart of the team. Pam already quit. Everything is a mess there. He talked to me about it before he left. He wanted to know if you would be open to him. I wasn't sure that you were, but I think that you need to do it. Being the shoe bitch at a crummy bowling alley isn't nearly good enough. You've got to do something more with your life than this."

"I hated selling paper. I sucked at selling paper."

"You're not that guy anymore, Ryan. You don't need to prove it to me. I think you're the one that needs to prove it to himself. I know that you can do this. It's just like when you didn't think you would be able to give your thesis presentation. No matter how long we practiced, you were never confident in yourself. However, when the day came, you were amazing. If you could just articulate that same knowledge and confidence in your sales, you could be as good as Jim and Dwight. You might be even better."

Love him or hate him, Dwight Schrute was an amazing salesman. Ryan had always been able to admit that. Even though he had been strung out and stuck on himself when Dwight outsold the website, he had always been impressed by his skills. That was why he had asked for his help, although he would have thought twice had he'd known about the initiation. "I'm not good at this."

"Stop it, dammit!" she nearly yelled. Kelly never yelled, not even when she was angry. She'd cry but never screamed unless she was really upset. "You have got to start believing in yourself."

"I..."

"No, Ryan, believe in yourself."

"Just like that?"

"I do it all the time," she shrugged. "I believe in myself and I believe in you. Do you think I could have been with you if I hadn't? I mean, I could have married a doctor. Do you know what kind of bank that would have gotten me? Instead, I picked a temp salesman at a paper company."

"You chose that, Kel, not me."

"Nope, you're not doing that to me," she said boldly before pushing him out of the booth. "I'm going home. Call me when you're ready to be an adult."

Kelly had made the threat a lot, but this was the first time she'd ever seen it through. Ryan was left in the booth speechless. She had really left. It was time to grow up.


	7. Step Seven

Two weeks had passed, and two weeks had changed everything. Ryan had gone from working part time as the lowest main on the totem pole at the bowling alley to being one of three people running Michael Scott Paper Company to returning back to his old stomping grounds at Dunder Mifflin as a lowly temp working across from Meredith. No matter how depressing the changes in his employment were, they didn't even begin to compare to the gaping hole that Kelly's departure had left in his life. She wouldn't even look at him in the office. She only made a few perfunctory sarcastic comments his first day back before going back into silent mode. Toby guarded her closely, keeping him out of the annex any time he even attempted to venture back there. It was really starting to get on his nerves.

Ryan had spent his entire first paycheck from Ryan's failed paper company on flowers and other miscellaneous gifts for Kelly. She had accepted only the flowers, returning the unopened gifts back to his parents house without any sort of explanation. She called only once to check on him, refusing to talk to Ryan but asking his mother instead. He took it as a good signal that she still cared about him. He sent her a single text message every morning telling her that he missed her, that he knew he had messed up. She would never reply, but he knew that she read them.

He had been going to his meetings religiously, something that his parents monitored closely. His mother had taken special interest in his well-being since she had spoken with Kelly. She hadn't disappeared on any of her spa trips and was always home to have dinner with him. She had started going to support group meetings on Kelly's recommendations and actually tried to engage Ryan in conversations about his recovery. It was a small step to repair years of damage, but he appreciated how hard she was trying. It wasn't something either of them had done enough of, and it was time that they both recognize their part in what had happened between them.

However, the solace that he felt over his repairing relationship with his mother was of little comfort now as he sat behind his desk, watching Kelly hover over the reception desk and talked animately to Erin just a few feet away. Ryan glanced over at the new receptionist. She was pretty and unassuming, innocent and someone who tried to please everyone. If he had met her before Kelly, he was pretty sure that he would have a crush on her. However, as she leaned across the counter and gossiped with Kelly, he knew that she didn't start to compare to the bubbly customer service agent who had stolen his heart so effortlessly.

"Hey, Erin," he greeted the secretary softly before glancing up at the reason he had really sauntered over to the front desk. "Kel."

"Oh, hi, Ryan!" Erin replied enthusiastically. She was the only one who didn't know him and the only one who hadn't been affected by his wrongdoings. "How are you doing today?"

"I'm alright," he told her distractedly. His eyes never left Kelly, who was trying very hard to avoid his gaze. "Kel, can I talk to you for a minute? It's important."

She wanted to tell him that she didn't want to talk to him, that she didn't care if it was important. She was tired of caring so much about what happened to him. However, with that vulnerable tone and the pleading look in his beautiful blue eyes, she was done before he had even asked. "Yeah, let's take a walk," she retorted softly. "Erin, we're going to go around the corner and get some coffee. I'll be back in a little bit if Michael asks for me."

The shift in Kelly was evident whenever Ryan came around, Erin observed. She was usually carefree and spirited, but she slipped into a caretaker role whenever Ryan showed up. She was always asking Jim and Kevin questions about him, as if she was trying to make sure he was okay without ever having to talk to him. Erin knew very little about Ryan and the relationship that he had with Kelly. However, she liked Kelly and wanted her friendship. She just hoped that Ryan didn't drag her down to whatever depths Ryan lived in.

As soon as they were outside the building, Kelly turned to Ryan and looked at him long and hard. "I miss you, you know," she told him as they wandered down the sidewalk toward the small little bistro around the corner where he used to pick up lattes to surprise her every once in awhile. "It's been hard not talking to you, but you haven't said the one thing that I needed to hear."

"I was wrong."

"And?"

"I need to change pretty much everything about the person that I used to be," he admitted as he stopped and she perched on the edge of a park bench. "I have to start believing in myself or I don't deserve to have you believe in me. I know that I am a mess, Kel. I know that I have a lot I need to work on, but none of that is going to matter if you're not there to see the new me."

Kelly looked at him and shook her head sadly before coming over to slide her arms around his waist. She held him tightly to her for a long moment before peering up at him. "Ryan, you can't change for me," she murmured. "I don't even want you to. This has to be for you. Whoever you are going to be after all this, I'm going to be around to see it. I promised you that I wasn't going anywhere. You just can't treat me like you used to do. I deserve more than that."

He nodded solemnly and held her gaze. "Tell me that you love me."

"You need to say it first."

"This moment changes everything, Kel," he whispered. They were frozen there beneath a park bench on the side of a busy street, but they might as well be a world away in their own private oasis. He had always known he would have a moment like this with a girl, one where there would be no going back. He had spent a year without her and then two weeks more. Ryan hated the man that he was without her.

_I humbly asked God to remove my shortcomings._

"I love you."

Kelly looked up at him and grinned. "I love you, too."

"I love you," he repeated. He should have told her that more often, but he was going to make up for it now. Leaning down, he swept her into a kiss that literally stole both their breaths away. As they pulled apart, her hand slid into his and squeezed his thin fingers tightly. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that more often, but I do love you, Kel. Even if I don't always say it as much as you need to hear it, I promise that I will love you for as long as I am still drawing breath."

"Oh, Ryan," she giggled. "You don't have to be so dramatic!"

"This coming from you?" he chuckled, bumping his hip against hers. "I know how much you love all that romance stuff. You can't fool me. You're all kinds of giddy inside, just thinking about how you're going to go home and Twitter about this later. You can pretend to be all cool, Kel, but I see that twinkle in your eyes. You're about ready to throw your arms around my neck and squeal about how sweet I am. Any minute now, you're going to be all mine."

Kelly laughed at his cocky demeanor and how both of them knew that he was dead on. She turned in his arms and threw her arms around his neck just to humor him. "I was already yours, Ryan, and we both know it," she giggled as she pressed her forehead to his. "We need to go back to work. Tonight, we are going to go to a meeting together. We are going to get some dinner in you. You might think I didn't notice, but you're losing weight. I'm not sure if it's from working out so much or from not eating or stress or whatever, but this is going to stop now."

"Did my mom tell you to say that or what?"

Ryan had no idea how often his mother had called Kelly and confided her concerns over the past two weeks. She knew that he was barely eating and that he had taken all his anxiety out on himself at the gym. "I know that you are working out or whatever, and I think that's great. You have to have an outlet, but you can't just let it become another addiction in your life. I see the pattern now before it's even started forming."

"Alright, I'll talk to my sponsor about it."

"Wait, just like that?"

"Addiction feeds addiction, Kel, you said it yourself," he admitted. It was something they had warned him about in treatment and in the meetings since. It was why he couldn't take a single drink, even though alcohol wasn't his addiction of choice. "There is something else I need you to help me do."

"What?"

"I am going to move out of my parents' house. It's not that I can't deal with living there. It's just that it's time. I need to start being responsible for myself again. I've saved up some money from the buyout," he told her. "I was hoping that you could go look at apartments with me on Saturday. Nothing big, near the office, you know? I want to be in driving distance to your place and to my parents' house. I feel like there are a lot of things I need to work on."

"There are," she acknowledged, "but we can figure out what we need to do to make things right again. I promised you a long time ago that you weren't going to have to go through this alone."

"I'm tired of being alone, Kel," he murmured. "I don't do so well without you."

"Yeah, well, the feeling is mutual," she confessed with a light giggle. "Why don't you walk me back to the office? I think that it's about time that we finally tell people that we're back together. I'm not going to keep on pretending that I hate you when it couldn't be further from the truth."

"I'm kind of tired of all the lies," Ryan agreed. "I really am sorry, Kel, for everything."

"New beginning," she promised him.

When they got back to the office, Ryan disappeared into Michael's office while Kelly ventured back to talk to Toby. Papers were drawn up for their official signature, while Michael was appraised of the situation. Ryan's boss was excited for him and celebrated his reunion with Kelly with an overly enthusiastic and tight hug. Ryan knew that he would appreciate being the first one to know, and as awkward and uncomfortable as Michael often made him feel, the older man had been a good friend to him. He was nearly in tears as he celebrated the exciting reunion of his best friend and his favorite ethnic girl in the office. Ryan found it almost sweet but still mostly creepy.

"Conference room, five minutes!" Michael announced as he followed Ryan out of his office.

Kelly stuck her head around the corner and waved Ryan back toward the annex. It only took a pair of signatures on a piece of Dunder Mifflin letterhead to make it official. Toby rolled his eyes as Kelly squealed excitedly and Ryan grinned genuinely. It was like Jim and Pam all over again, only this time he didn't want to kill the temp for stealing the girl of his dreams.

It took nearly ten minutes to get everyone filed into the room and in their seats. Michael was like a little kid bursting at the seams on Christmas morning. There were pictures of famous couples from classic romantic comedies posted to the wall. Jim was next to Pam, whispering quietly and probably wondering if they were about to be put on display.

"Pretty Woman, When Harry Met Sally, Ten Things I Hate About You." Michael paused for dramatic effect as he looked at his loyal employees. "Some of the greatest romance tales ever told. And now, our little office has its own real-life romantic comedy."

"Michael..." Jim started to warn.

"Okay, Paris Hilton, it's not all about you," Michael rolled his eyes before looking over at Ryan and winking. Ryan couldn't help but love seeing Jim put in his place, even if it was the tiniest thing. Their power struggle was still alive and well. "Actually, our real Romeo and Juliet are Kelly and Ryan."

"The Claire Danes version," Ryan piped up.

"Wait, so you two are back together?" Angela asked pointedly, her glare making it clear that she neither approved nor appreciated their reunion.

Kelly smiled at Angela with a sickeningly sweet grin. "Yup."

"Why did we have to have a meeting over this?" Stanley asked, looking up from his crossword puzzle.

"Because I am dealing with everything in the open," Ryan announced. "Look, I know it's weird, I just wanted to put this out there. We all know that I'm a recovering addict. I treated Kelly like shit. I messed up and was an ass to everyone. But I am trying to make it up to everyone, especially her."

Michael waved his hand dismissively. "Ryan, you don't need to be forgiven. You are our friend. You are our family. We love you. You're safe here."

"This is ridiculous," Dwight spoke up.

Toby couldn't believe he was about to do this. "I actually agree with Michael. It's really important that we show Ryan our support. Whatever has happened in the past, he is still an employee here. This needs to be a positive working environment for everyone."

Michael was ready to snap at Toby but quickly backed down when he realized that he was actually being supportive. "You all heard him," he declared. "Back to work."

Ryan reached for Kelly's hand as he walked her back to the annex. "I'll see you later for lunch, right?"

"Yeah," she giggled before kissing him.

"Hey, guys," Toby said, peeking his head over the divider between his workspace and Kelly's. "That's still not appropriate."

"Oh, come on, Toby," Ryan laughed. "You can't deny young love!"


	8. Step Eight

Ryan sat alone at a desk in his small studio apartment, staring down at the crumpled piece of paper he had been carrying around in his back pocket for nearly two weeks. It was summer now. The annual company picnic had come and gone, and Pam had announced that she was pregnant to the entire office. Kelly had been very quiet in the days since the announcement, offering only her congratulations and a brave smile before returning to her call list back in the annex. Only Ryan saw the emptiness in her eyes. He knew that, despite how much she tried to hide it, she still wanted all those old things with him. She wanted the marriage, the kids, the dog, the picket fence. He wanted to be able to give her all that this time around, but there was something he had to do first. There were a lot of things he had to do, really. However, it had to start with this.

_I made a list of all the persons I have harmed and am willing to make amends to them all._

Kelly's name was at the top of the list with a bulleted list of everything he had ever done to her, both in the midst of his addiction and in the days before and since. There were the one-night stands with college girls he met at the bar near his old apartment. There were lies he had told to get out of seeing her when he wasn't sure that he was going to get some. There were the nights he never called her back and the dinners with her family that he missed and the angry words he had tossed carelessly her way when they fought. There were the moments he had purposely stolen her happiness and those when he had denied her the very same thing. There were the times he had used her, the times he had ignored her, the times he had lied to her, the times he hadn't really loved her.

Just below Kelly's name, he had printed his parents on the same line. Although they were all three equally to blame in the shattered relationship between them, Ryan knew that he had to be the first one to make a move. He had to apologize for holding everything against them and refusing to grow past the awful childhood relationships they had given him. It wasn't doing anyone any good to continue to dwell on it. He had put them through hell over the past year, disappearing without word and refusing to see them whenever his mother managed to track him down. They deserved to hear a genuine apology, a promise that they would find a way to start over. He had to make amends because that was the only family he was ever going to get. It was just time to begin again.

Nearly everyone else in the office had made the list in some way. He needed to apologize to Jan for all the ways he had intentionally been manipulative to her after she lost her job and he took over in New York. David deserved an apology for all the douche moves that Ryan had pulled while he was at corporate. Toby had had to witness every fight he'd had with Kelly in the office and had often been pulled in the middle. Meredith had heard more than one sad story over shots of tequila at Poor Richard's, and Phyllis had been there to console him when he had first came back to Dunder Mifflin as the receptionist last fall. No one knew how much the older woman had listened to him when he had tried to come up with a plan to get Kelly back. There were the rude comments he had said about Oscar, the passive aggressive way he dealt with Andy, the joints he had lifted from Creed's desk when he wasn't looking. Ryan had also returned to Schrute Farms to take a few things of the herbal nature, even though it pretty much sucked. He should probably also apologize to Dwight for that whole Drug Testing fiasco a few years ago. It was just another one of Ryan's messes.

Perhaps more than any of his co-workers, other than Kelly and Michael, Ryan needed to apologize to Jim and Pam. When he had left Scranton the first time, it had been Pam that had helped Kelly pick up the pieces and move on. Only months later did Ryan know all the nights his ex-girlfriend had spent at the receptionist's apartment, sobbing on the couch while Pam consoled her. She had been the person that Ryan should have been for Kelly, and how had he repaid her? He had gotten her hopes up about some graphic design project in a stupid and vain attempt to hit on her. He'd found himself so impressive that he thought his status would be enough to pull her in. Ryan had seen himself as untouchable then, and it was a very humbling thing to see her choose some "lowly" salesman like Jim when she could have a self-professed wunderkind.

Along with his concessions to Pam, Ryan knew that he would have to find a way to apologize to Jim. There had always been tension in their relationship, a primal struggle for both of them to declare their dominance in the office hierarchy. Ryan knew that he had only walked away with the New York gig because Jim had taken himself out of the running to be with Pam. He had thought that he was unbeatable at the time, but he knew in retrospect that Jim was the far better candidate. Instead of having enough grace to recognize that, Ryan had wielded his power to put Jim in an awkward position. He had tried even harder to make that point when Pam had rejected Jim. All of that had come to a head when Ryan had been arrested. He had heard the voicemails a few weeks later. Kelly had brought his cell phone to the jail in her best Juicy tracksuit.

And finally, at the bottom of the list, was actually the apology that would be the easiest to make but probably needed to be said nearly the most. Other than Kelly and his parents, no one had believed in Ryan more than Michael. It was hard to deal with the man sometimes, even now in his sobriety when he knew how lucky he was to have the devotion of Michael. It could be creepy the way that Michael looked at him. That might never go away. However, Ryan knew that he didn't deserve that kind of blind faith anymore than he deserved Kelly's love or his parents' forgiveness or Phyllis' kindness. These were just things he had been given.

"Hey, Ry, I brought dinner!" Kelly called as she came into his kitchen. He heard her drop her set of keys on the counter as she found her way through the dark apartment to the small corner where he'd set up his office. She was still dressed in the dark red dress she had worn to work today, only her hair was loose around her shoulders instead of back in a tight chignon. "I hope you are hungry for curry. My mom made way too much for dinner tonight, so I snagged you some."

"It sounds perfect, Kel," he said as he smiled up at her. "I just finished making my amends list. I'm going to take it to the meeting tomorrow night. It's really hard to look at a list of everything you have ever done to hurt someone. I still find it hard to believe that was the person I had become."

She came over and settled into his lap behind the desk, turning so that she was facing him. Kelly loved this version of Ryan even more than the cocky business student who had showed up that first day at Dunder Mifflin with bright blue eyes and a cheap suit from a discount mens store. This was someone who had been to hell and back. He was still conflicted and tortured, but he was actually optimistic for the first time in his life. She had no idea how appealing a truly radiant smile could be until one lit up his face every time he saw her now.

"You did a lot of really screwed up things, we both know that, but you're ready to say that you're sorry and put them behind you. You might not get all the forgiveness that you want or think that you deserve," she warned him. "That has to be okay. People get to choose how they feel about this and about you. You just have to be honest and genuine. That's your only job here. If they forgive you, that's great. If not, we'll find a way for you to deal with that, too."

Ryan wanted to tell her that as long as she could forgive him for everything, he could deal with whatever anyone else said. However, he was just as afraid to make amends with her as he was with anyone else. There were a lot of really screwed-up things he was going to have to apologize for. She was going to know the full extent of how badly he had hurt and betrayed her. Like tiny bomb explosions one after another, he was going to slowly reveal everything he had knowingly and unknowingly put her through. That was a scary reality to face.

"Kel, what are you doing one year from today?"

She raised her eyebrow at him like he was crazy. She could barely plan a week ahead, let alone figure out what she was going to be doing a year from now. "I don't know," she shrugged. "Is that a weekend or something?"

He laughed at her casual candor. "I'm not really sure, actually," he admitted before reaching for the calendar sitting open on his desk. He flipped to the back page and looked at the same day a year later. "It's a Thursday. If we had thought about it, I guess we could have figured it out. It is Wednesday right now."

"Um, yeah, anyhow," she rolled her eyes. That wasn't really the point. "Why are you asking, Ry?"

He reached around her and pulled something out of the top drawer of his desk. His sponsor had advised him against this, told him that it was moving too fast. Ryan had told him after wasting the last two years, it wasn't nearly fast enough. "One year from today, on a random Thursday afternoon, will you let me make your dreams come true?"

Kelly looked at the modest diamond ring Ryan was sliding on her left index finger. It didn't seem real. It wasn't at all like she had planned it. There hadn't been a conversation with her dad. There wasn't a crowd of people to offer their roaring round of applause in congratulations. The ring wasn't hidden in the bottom of a champagne flute or atop a piece of chocolate mousse cake. She wasn't dressed in her best outfit. No music was playing. It was far from the scene she had always dreamed about in her mind, but it was its own kind of perfect.

She lifted the ring to watch it glimmer in the pale light of the lamp on his desk. "Only if you are there to live them with me," she finally answered, her eyes locking with his. Ryan nodded silently before lunging forward to capture her mouth. It wasn't like him, completely out of character. He knew it and she knew it. "Are you sure that this is what you want?"

"All I have ever wanted since you showed up in my motel room in Florida was for us to get to this place," he confessed as she pressed her forehead into neck. He could feel her trembling in tears against him. "I know I'm an ass sometimes, but I'm trying so hard here."

"But I love that ass," she teased, a small smile finally gracing her ruby lips. "I love you, Ryan."

"I know this is fast."

"We have too much history for this to be considered fast."

"And I have to talk to your parents..."

"You do," she agreed, "but it doesn't matter what they say. I'm still going to marry you."

"We'll have to tell my parents."

"And Michael," she added. "He's going to be really disappointed."

Ryan couldn't help but chuckle at her insinuation about Michael's odd crush on him. "You better be nice or I will find a way to work him into the wedding party," he threatened lightly. "You know that he is just going to be dying to be the best man."

"Ryan Bailey Howard, you wouldn't!"

"Oh, I so would!"


	9. Step Nine

"Ryan, do you like this one or this one?" He looked up briefly from the business section and pointed to the single sheet of cardstock in her left hand. The invitations were seemingly the same from his perspective, but he could tell by the way that she held the one on the left slightly higher that it was the one that she wanted. "Yeah, I think that's a good choice."

He smiled briefly and nodded in agreement before returning to the article on which stocks were expected to help the market rebound in the coming months. Ryan still wasn't completely sure why Kelly had dragged him to the wedding planner. It was clear that she knew exactly what she wanted, and if there was any question, the woman that his parents were paying handsomely to realize all of Kelly's dreams would reassure her that her choice was the right one.

"What about these flowers, Ry? I was thinking about roses, but everyone has roses. They're so cliché, and I don't want our wedding to be cliché. I mean, we are not even close to being all boring and traditional, are we?" she babbled as she poured over a thick photo album of flower arrangements. Ryan could care less if there were even flowers at their wedding, but he knew that this was important to Kelly. Setting the paper in his lap, he leaned over and flipped a few pages before pointing to bouquet of gardenia. "Really, gardenias?"

"They smell like you," he shrugged before smiling at her sweetly. It was the truth. He could barely pass them when he was in Florida without thinking about her. It nearly made him sick the entire first week in rehab when the breeze would blow just so through his window, filling the bedroom with the aromatic scent of something so distinctly Kelly. "It's just something to think about."

Kelly's eyes scanned the page before turning to Brooke and nodding resolutely. "I think we'll go with the gardenias for bouquets," she declared before going on some rant about finding the right accent flowers for the arrangements on the altar and the ends of the pews. Kelly had originally wanted to have everything in hot pink and white, her favorite colors in the world. However, when she thought about how blue Ryan's eyes were, she had insisted that he wear something to bring it out. "Maybe violets?"

The two ladies worked diligently over the next half hour, selecting just the right flowers that would serve as the centerpiece at the wedding. They also managed to nail down the unity candle that Kelly had insisted on and some religious reading that her parents required. Ryan's parents hadn't really had too many demands, just a guest list a mile long. Ryan's own guest list had been about a dozen guys from college and people from the office. Kelly had laughed when he had asked if he could just send out e-vites instead and get this all over with.

"Hey, try a bite of this one," Kelly murmured as she spooned a morsel of chocolate mousse wedding cake into Ryan's mouth. He savored the taste before nodding his approval. She cut him another piece of the Italian cream cake for his consideration. This one wasn't as good. They repeated the process a few more times before deciding on the chocolate mousse for the wedding cake and a smaller butter cream groom's cake. "What about the food?"

He listened as the chef talked about the different menu options. Kelly reminded him that they had to have a vegetarian option and immediately shot down the paltry pasta dish the chef tried to pass off on her. "We're not serving spaghetti at our wedding," Ryan told the man straight out, shocked that he would even consider it considering the accompany dishes were Chilean sea bass and filet mignon. "My in-laws already hate me enough as it is, the last thing I need is someone coming in and serving them bad food. Think of something else."

Kelly reached for his hand under the table and told the chef what she had in mind. It was an Indian dish that her parents would approve of, and that most of his family wouldn't even touch. He wasn't really listening at that point, anyhow. Any chance he had of paying attention flew out the window whenever her warm skin was pressed against his.

"I'm not sure,," Kelly mused. "What do you think, Ry?"

"Huh?"

She giggled lightly as she realized that he wasn't paying attention. "Sorry this is taking so long, but I just want everything to be perfect," she apologized. "I swear, just a few more things and then we can go back home. I'll even leave you alone while you watch the Phillies game later."

Ryan knew that she wouldn't leave him alone. She'd end up sprawled over his lap on the couch, her head pressed against his thigh while she asked endless questions about the game and offered fashion commentary on the uniforms. He couldn't think of anything else he would rather do on a Saturday night. "It's fine, Kel, whatever you need to do."

It was still unsettling to hear how supportive Ryan was sometimes, especially when it came to the girly things he had hated about her so much the last time around. "What kind of wine should we go with?"

"I won't be drinking it, so it doesn't really matter," he pointed out. "Just whatever goes best with the food. And make sure that my girl has that almond champagne from Napa that I told you about. It's Kel's favorite. I want to use that when we make our wedding toast."

"I can't believe you remember that."

He didn't have to tell her that he had always remembered that, even when he had pretended not to know it when they got into a fight last year over a cheap bottle of wine he'd bought at Target on the way to her apartment on the night of her first big adult dinner party. Instead, he listened while the chef recapped the entire menu and the wedding planner started to go on and on about favors and birdseed and bubbles. His parents were paying this woman a lot of money to not have to deal with the wedding headache. He suddenly envied his father's distance from the whole complication. It wasn't that he didn't want to marry Kelly. He just didn't need any of this to have that. The wedding wasn't really about him. It was about her and what she wanted. He just wanted her.

Ryan stifled a yawn when Kelly sat a pile of fabric swatches in front of him and started to talk about centerpieces and table cloths. He agreed with her selection of a white silk cover for the tables at the reception and a simple gardenia floating in a bowl for the center. Like he really cared about any of these things. He doubted he would remember what the reception looked like. The thing he wanted to remember from that day was the breathless way Kelly say "I do" and how she smiled at him when she walked up the aisle and the content sigh as he kissed her before their families and friends.

"Ryan, do you have any special requests?"

He stopped fingering the soft leather of the stack of guest books they had to choose from and looked up at the wedding planner. It was the first time the woman had asked about his opinions at all. He figured most grooms wanted little input in the whole ceremony, and for the most part, that was true for him. However, there was one thing that he had in mind. He had said how sorry he was to Kelly many times, and he would be apologizing to her for this for the rest of his life. However, on the day that he made her his wife, he wanted to show her how serious he was about being worthy of her love.

_I made amends to people wherever possible._

"I want our first dance to be to 'We Belong,' you know the old Pat Benetar song?"

It wasn't a conventional choice for a first dance, but it made sense for them. It was the song she had song with him at the Christmas party, just after the awkward Michael/Andy duet to that stupid John Mayer song that had never made sense to Ryan. They'd danced together in the corner after that, and later, when the party was over, Ryan had held Kelly's hand the entire way to her apartment and made love to her slowly and deliberately in a way that he hadn't since they'd first gotten together.

The wedding planner looked at Ryan questioningly before returning her attention to Kelly. "And what about you, Kelly? Did you have a song in mind?"

"I think that one's perfect," she said dismissively before standing up and pulling on Ryan's wrist. He knew what that tug was about. It was the same one he got after last call at Poor Richard's when she'd had too many fruity martinis or in the movie theater when he had taken her to see that Sandra Bullock movie last weekend. "Um, we'll have to work on the rest of the details next week. We have somewhere we need to be."

Kelly didn't bother giving the woman time to reply as she called over her shoulder and yanked Ryan out of the building toward her car. She was all over him once they were inside the vehicle, crawling over the console so that she could settle into his lap. He liked her like this, wild and free. There was no superficial pretense when they were close. She finally let her guard down and let him see the vulnerable girl behind those beautiful brown eyes.

"Right here?" he chuckled as she pressed a kiss to his neck. He felt the flutter of her eyebrows tickle over his skin as she nodded and buried her fingers in his hair. Ryan lifted his face to kiss her fully. "Thank you for agreeing to marry me."

She had never heard anyone say anything so preposterous in her life. Like she was ever really going to turn down Ryan Howard? He was the man she had loved so completely for the past three years. All she had wanted was to be his wife and the mother of his child. She was nearly halfway there. "Thanks for asking."

"Want to take me home now?"

"Your place or mine?"

"They're kind of the same thing these days, Kel," he reminded her before settling her back over behind the wheel. He didn't remove his hand from her thigh though as she reversed out of the spot and started toward her apartment a few miles away. Ryan had been basically living there since they had announced their engagement. His parents were happy to have their basement back, not that anyone went down there. To celebrate, they'd also agreed to pay for a new car along with the wedding. Ryan mostly let Kelly drive it. She liked the sporty black convertible considerably more than he cared. He liked seeing the smile on her face considerably more than she knew.

Kelly pulled the car into their other assigned parking space and slipped effortlessly from the car. He met her by the bumper, transferring her tote bag from work onto his shoulder as he reached for her hand to lead her up the stairs. Ryan never thought that he would be this happy being so domesticated, but he was. It had been a long fight for both of them to end up here, to find true happiness not only in each other but in themselves. In forty-four days, he would make her his wife and spend the rest of his life trying to make her feel as beautifully happy as she looked now. He couldn't wait for that to begin.


	10. Step Ten

"I think this is the last of it," Ryan announced tiredly as he sat the last packing carton down on the living room floor and flopped down on the sofa next to Kelly. She was sprawled out and as completely tired as he was from moving the rest of his stuff from his parents house. Dressed in ratty jeans and a smudged tee shirt, she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Pressing the hair back from her face, he cradled her chin in his hand and kissed her until she sighed contently. "Hey, Beautiful."

Kelly leaned back against the couch and swung her feet into his lap for a much deserved rub. "It feels so good to finally be home for the night," she murmured as he dug his fingers into her heal. "I never knew you had so much stuff. It didn't seem like that much when you were sharing that apartment on Hanover."

It used to be that Ryan couldn't imagine spending the rest of the night with Kelly. Now, he was just three weeks out from spending the rest of his life with her. There was a calendar counting down the days in the annex between their desks on the wall for proof. Every day when they came in, she would mark off the day with a bold red marker and remind him how quickly the wedding was approaching. Every single time, he would grin at her widely and tell her how much he couldn't wait. The funny thing was that he actually meant it genuinely.

"We can go through it next weekend and get rid of everything you already have or we registered for," he offered before shifting his attention to her other foot. "By the way, do you think that you could come by a meeting with me on Friday night?"

"Sure," she agreed before sitting up and moving to sit next to him. Ryan reached for the remote and flipped it over to some reality TV show she had been talking about a few nights before. Leaning her head on his shoulder, she pulled the blanket over their laps and relaxed against him. "Is it for anything special?"

As hard as it was to believe, it had been six months since Ryan had entered rehab back in Florida and finally made right in his world. With 120 days of sobriety behind him, the meeting on Friday night marked an anniversary a lot of people never thought he would see but Kelly always knew would happed. "Kind of," he shrugged nonchalantly. He wanted it to be a surprise for her. "We're just supposed to bring our family to it. Since that's kind of you now, I wanted you to be there."

"What about your parents?" she offered. "I could get reservations for dinner after."

"No, I just want it to be you and me," he shook his head before reaching for her hand and brushing a kiss over her engagement ring.

"Whatever you want, Ry," she agreed absently. "Oh, and don't forget that we have the wedding planner again tomorrow night. She is going to help us finalize the honeymoon details and get your measurements for the tux."

Ryan's jaw dropped. He couldn't believe that he had forgotten. "I kind of have plans, Kel," he said apologetically. "I totally forgot, please don't be mad. I just promised one of my buddies from college that I would help him with the business plan he has been working on. You know, that landscaping company I told you about? It's the only night he has free."

As soon as her dark eyes met his, he knew that he had screwed up. She had emailed him reminders repeatedly about the appointments and marked them on the calendars at home and in the office. She knew how forgetful he could be, and these appointments were important to her. They'd had a long talk after the last time he had shown indifference when meeting with the planner. For some reason, she really needed this wedding to matter to him. He tried to remind her that he cared about the marriage more, but she insisted that this wedding would set the tone for the rest of their lives. Ryan thought that was putting an awful lot of pressure on just one day but would never tell her that.

_I continued to take personal inventory and when I was wrong, promptly admitted it. _

"You know what, it doesn't matter. This is more important," he decided quickly before leaning over to kiss her again. He actually believed the words when he said them. It was more important than some friend he saw a few times a year. "Besides, if I leave it up to you, we'll end up at Disney World."

"I still think that we can't go wrong with the happiest place on earth," she pouted before giggling when he tickled her. They had actually settled for a long weekend at Cape Cod until they could afford something more extravagant next year. Ryan really couldn't afford to take off more time, especially after he had been promoted back to salesman again. He had actually made his first sale last week to an old lawyer friend of his father's. Kelly had made him the curry that he loved so much for a reward. "I want you to know that I really appreciate the effort you're making."

"It's not an effort at all," he assured her. "This is our wedding day. You were right. Maybe a lot of weddings I've seen have been about other people, but you've worked really hard to put something together that's all about us. I won't remember anything else about that day but you. You're going to be my wife. That's all I really want out of this."

It still scared her how he could find the most perfect words sometimes. "I love you," she giggled before lunging impulsively to kiss him again. He lost himself in her for a moment, moaning appreciatively as she did that thing with her tongue that made him nearly fall over the edge on the spot. Just when things were really getting heated, her cordless phone rang from somewhere deep within the couch cushions.

Ryan pulled away reluctantly and reached for the wailing phone. "Hello," he answered gruffly, hoping that his heavy breathing wasn't too apparent over the line. "Oh, hello, Mr. Kapoor." Ryan exchanged a look with Kelly. She closed her eyes and sighed tiredly. This whole thing with her parents was still so hard on her. "It's Ryan." He furrowed his brow. "Ryan Howard, your daughter's fiancée."

Kelly snatched the phone from Ryan and tucked it under her chin before moving back into his arms. "Hey, Daddy," she greeted him. "I told you to quit acting like you don't know who Ryan is when he calls. He lives here now. If you can't respect him, you can just stop calling me." Kelly listened to her father ramble for a moment. "Daddy, I'm not interested in this. We are getting married in three weeks. You can be there like a proud father and walk me down the aisle if you are going to be supportive. If not, you can just stay away. I won't let you ruin this for me, for us. I am going to marry Ryan whether you two like it or not. It's up to you to decide."

With that, Kelly ended the call and tossed the phone across the room toward the other chair. Ryan knew how much this was killing her, fighting with her parents like this. She barely was allowed to speak to her sisters. Her mother hadn't said more than a handful of words to her since she announced their engagement at an uncomfortable family dinner. "Hey, I'm sorry, Kel," he whispered into her ear as she turned and pressed her face into his chest.

"I'm just tired of fighting with them," she said softly. "I love my parents, I do, but I can't keep doing what they want for me. My sister did that her entire life and died without ever really being happy. I won't do that to myself. I fought too hard for you to just give up because they think I should marry some doctor. I chose you. I love you."

"I love you, too," he assured her as he wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. As screwed up as his parents were, at least they could fake being supportive of the marriage. They actually seemed happy that he was marrying Kelly. His mother said she brought out the best in him. Kelly's parents thought he brought out the worst in her. "Hey, it's going to be okay either way. We are going to be happy."

"I'm already happy," she retorted before leaning over to the coffee table. She reached beneath the stack of fashion magazines and produced a flat envelope. Ryan took it from her suspiciously but opened it. Inside was a copy of hotel reservations for a luxury suite in New York. "I know you think I didn't remember, but Friday night is your six-month anniversary of sobriety. I thought that we could make a weekend of it after we leave the meeting."

"You're amazing."

"So I've been told."

He tickled her again until she started laughing, all traces from her tears just a few minutes before completely gone. Then, he got up and retrieved the phone to order a pizza so that they could enjoy their first night completely living together. With a few movies on DVD they'd borrowed from Kevin and a nice bottle of sparkling cider his mother had sent over, they enjoyed a candlelit picnic on the living room floor that ended up with some heavy petting on the couch and fulfilling sex in their bedroom. Afterward, when Kelly had drifted to sleep, Ryan had stayed up long enough to watch her in the pale moonlight seeping through the gauzy curtains. It was the first time in his life that he was thoroughly content.


	11. Step Eleven

"Hi, my name is Ryan, and I am an addict."

Kelly shifted slightly in her seat as a pair of blue eyes penetrated hers from the podium. In an auditorium filled with addicts and sponsors, parents and children, friends and strangers, Ryan made it feel as though he was only speaking to her. He had been a nervous wreck all day as the meeting drew closer, worried that he wasn't going to have the courage to say all the things he had been waiting six months for Kelly to hear. This wasn't her first meeting with him and it certainly wouldn't be her last. He hoped that she would be by his side as he celebrated his first year of sobriety, a decade or 25 years. He wanted their children to know his struggle and to learn from his mistakes. He wanted his life with Kelly to be a reflection of the journey they'd taken together and all the steps still left in their shoes.

"Before I got sober six months ago, I wasted the last fifteen years consistently doing my best to lose myself in anything but reality. In high school, it was a keg party every weekend. I used alcohol as a way to fit in with people that I now realize weren't really even worth my time. By the time I hit college, I had already added weed to my addictions of choice. I didn't think much about it. I knew that I could stop any time. It was just something I did recreationally at parties or with my friends on the occasional Thursday night when we couldn't afford to do much else."

Kelly smiled as she remembered the photo albums of Ryan with his fraternity brothers hanging out on ratty couches and desolate decks. It had always humanized Ryan to her, shown that he did have a history before he became the guy she had fell for. Only in hindsight did they both realize that this had been the beginning of his addictions. The phase had turned into a lifestyle, which had turned into the fight they had been up against this past half-year.

"When I was in business school, I started dabbling with uppers. Anything to keep me awake while I studied, it didn't really matter," Ryan remembered aloud. "I wasn't really picky, but I didn't want anything heavy. It got a little harder when I started working at the office. It was just temp work at first, and I was pretty awful at it. Hell, I'm still not that great at it, but I'm getting better. I have reasons to succeed that I didn't really have before."

His smile lit up his face as he bit his bottom lip impishly and gazed at his fiancée. She was the kind of beautiful that could take your breath away and break your heart without even trying. "But before I had those reasons, I actually became a success without ever really trying. I was made vice president of a company for no real reason. I'm still not sure how I pulled that off. I was so blitzed at the interview that I didn't even remember fully going until I got the call that I had gotten the job. At that time, I was pretty sure that was the best moment of my life."

It's funny looking back now how Kelly's lowest moment had been Ryan's highest. Their undiscussed and cold breakup in the annex marked a turning point for both of them. Hers had led to an actual relationship with a guy who respected her. His ended with an even deeper dive into drugs. It was a lost year for their relationship, but one that was filled with all these lessons that they had to learn.

"I know now that wasn't even the closest I will ever come to having the best moment of my life. I've had so many since then, including one that I'm still not quite sure I deserve," he admitted to the room full of people. "I turned to cocaine that year, and it became my best friend. My only friend. I treated the woman that I loved – that I _love_ – more than anything in the world like she didn't matter because she came second to everything that wasn't coke. She tried to love me through it, but I made it impossible. I pushed her away along with everyone in my life. Most people got the hint, but she never quite caught on. She never quite gave up. She still hasn't, and I thank God for that."

With a slight nod of her head, Ryan knew that Kelly understood what he was saying and felt the same. "I went to prison after I lost my job, made a YouTube sensation for my very public arrest on the streets outside my office in Manhattan. I should have been humiliated, but I didn't really care. I was just worried about my next fix," he recollected. There were a few murmurs from people who understood what he was talking about. "That should have been enough to make me want to get better but it wasn't It wasn't even the beginning. But I got better at pretending during that time. I could hide it a little bit better. It's easy to do when you isolate yourself, I guess. I didn't really do anything much more than hang out in my parents' basement after that. I managed to get my job back for awhile, but then I decided to go to Thailand."

"It's funny, Thailand turned into Florida, and before I knew it, I had lost three months. I woke up one day with a bloody nose and no money. I knew that I had reached bottom, and it was time to swallow my pride," he lamented, tears dwelling in his bright blue eyes. "I didn't know if she would answer when I made the call, but just like she always has, she was there on the other end. She didn't ask too many questions before she dropped everything to come get me. Without even thinking about what it meant, she jumped on a plane and saved my life."

Ryan raked his fingers through his hair and looked at Kelly for a long moment. It was the first time she had heard their entire story told out loud. She knew it completely, but it was somehow different to hear it through his point of view. "Six months ago today, I walked into rehab center completely off drugs and started the recovery process. I was clean when I walked in there but I wasn't sober," he confessed. "Today, however, I can happily report that I am celebrating 120 days of sobriety."

"They say there is always a moment, and my moment was that first night in rehab. It was when I fully made that commitment to get better. They kept telling me that I had to do it for myself, but I never really bought into it. You see, I had stopped loving myself along the way, and I decided that I didn't deserve my own sobriety. But Kelly, that girl who came to save me, she deserved it. She deserved to have the man that she loved finally earn that love."

"Kelly agreed to marry me, and in less than a month, I am going to make that woman my wife. I still wake up with the occasional craving. My hands still twitch for a hit, my throat burns for a drink. It's probably something I am going to fight for the rest of my life. However, all it takes is one look into her eyes, and I remember what I got sober for. It's not just about Kel anymore, either. It's about us. It's about the life that I want with her."

Ryan scanned the crowd and grinned widely. "They gave me this poker chip as a symbol of my sobriety," he told everyone. He flipped it over in his palm before holding it up for everyone to see. "Kel, can you come up here?"

He hadn't told her about this part but went along with it anyhow. Her kitten heels clicked on the linoleum floor as she took the stage, her hands slightly shaking from nerves. Ryan turned to her and passed the blue chip into her hand. "You gave me the last six months to earn the love you gave me for the two years before that. I can't wait to give you the yellow chip in three more months or the grey one a year from now. I owe the start of this journey to you, and I am so glad that I am going to have you by my side every step of the way for the rest of my life. I love you, Kel, thank you."

The room erupted into applause as Ryan hugged her before taking her hand and leading her off the stage. She didn't really remember much of the meeting after that. She knew that they spent a lot of time talking to people afterward, and she had kissed him for a full ten minutes solid when they'd finally reached his car. He'd held her hand the whole way home, leaning over to kiss her at stoplights and glancing at her out of the corner of his eye in the glow of the street lamps. When they finally got home, Ryan came out to her on the balcony and sat behind her in the deck hair, his arms around her as they gazed up at the stars.

"Tonight was a good night."

"Yeah, it was," she agreed before leaning back against him. "I'm really proud of you, Ry."

He smiled at her for a moment and then grinned. "Yeah?" Kelly nodded and squeezed the hand resting on her stomach. "I'm pretty proud of myself too."

"I'm sorry your parents didn't show."

"I'm not," he shrugged. He had only invited them after she had insisted again. "The only person I cared about being there was with me tonight, just like she has been this whole time. They don't matter anymore. I know that I don't need them to do this. I am not even sure I really need you anymore, Kel, not like that."

While Kelly could have easily been offended by his statement, she understood what it mean. "I'm kind of glad about that, you know?" she asked rhetorically. It was good to know that Ryan could do this on his own. He couldn't be dependent on her. "Just as long as you want me still, I can take you not needing me."

"Always going to want you, Kel," he promised sleepily as he pressed a kiss to her neck. "Let's go to bed. We have that thing with the wedding planner in the morning."

"Okay," she replied tiredly as he helped her to her feet. Kelly followed Ryan into the house and back to the living room, both of them discarding clothes on the floor along the way. She crawled into bed and turned on her side, waiting for him to slide in right behind her.

"You know that this is all I ever wanted, right?" he asked in the dark. "After all those days in rehab, a night like tonight it what I wanted. It was my only prayer. You were my only prayer."

_I sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out._

"Ry..."

"You were my destiny, Kel. You were what I was to do, why I am here. I was made to love you."

"That sounds like a cheesy 80s metal ballad," she giggled.

Ryan chuckled. "Yeah, it kind of does."

"Still, it was sweet."

"It was true."

"Oh, yeah?" she teased. "Prove it."

"Gladly," he grumbled before kissing her intently. "By any means necessary."

Kelly held up their entwined hands, letting the moonlight catch the diamond on her engagement ring. "I'm pretty sure you already did."


	12. Step Twelve

"We're married now."

Ryan looked across the long backseat of the limousine and reached for Kelly's hand before pulling her next to him. It had been a long road punctuated by a short ceremony that had brought them there, but Kelly and Ryan Howard were now united as one in the eyes of God and the law. He fingered her simple platinum band lazily as she thread her fingers through his, still amazed that she had even agreed to give him a second chance all those months again.

"We are," he agreed before leaning over and kissing her cheek sweetly. She leaned into his touch, turning her head slightly so that their lips met for the briefest of moments. "By the way, have I told you how beautiful you look?"

"You might have mentioned it," she giggled appreciatively. Ryan hadn't been able to keep his eyes off her throughout the wedding, not paying the slightest bit of attention to the words the judge was saying as he feasted his eyes on his beautiful wife. "Although, if you ask Michael, I'm pretty sure that he will insist that you were the most beautiful one in the room. He couldn't keep his eyes off of you when you were up there."

Ryan hadn't noticed, much like he hadn't really paid attention to anything other than Kelly when she had started walking down the aisle toward him. Her parents hadn't shown up, but if it bothered her much, she hadn't let it show. With her sisters by her side and Ryan's parents standing in for both of them, Kelly had exuded the grace and beauty she had used last year to help him find his way back. He kissed her again as the limousine stopped outside his parents' country club. "Are you ready to make your grand appearance, Mrs. Howard?"

"Who would have ever thought that you would be crazy enough to marry me?"

"You," he reminded her as the driver pulled the door open and cameras started to flash upon their arrival. Kelly stayed close to his side, smiling brilliantly, as they were greeted by assorted friends and family. She stopped to hug Pam briefly before allowing the youngest of her sisters to tug her by the hand into the dining hall. Ryan tagged behind with his parents, his arm looped through his mother's while his father flanked his other side.

Most of the reception was a blur. The food tasted good enough, but he knew that he wouldn't remember much about it even after all the planning that had gone into the menu. Kelly squealed when he smashed cake in her face and retaliated by splashing sparkling apple cider over his lips. They had their first dance and then danced with his parents. Michael made some inappropriate remark when he dedicated a song to the happy couple, and Kevin got up on stage to serenade the crowd with Sting's "Fields of Gold." Finally, it was time for the toasts. Tiffany managed to toast Kelly and Ryan with something resembling a bridesmaid speech, and Ryan's father did the honors for his side. It was only then that Kelly and Ryan rose to their feet.

"Nearly one year ago today, I thought about taking my own life because I really didn't see what I had to live for. I gave myself one final chance, a last ditch phone call in the middle of the week to a girl who I had broken too many times to deserve to have in my life," Ryan told everyone. He paused and looked up at Kelly. It was exactly like that night at NA when he had broken through to step eleven. "Kelly was able to give me a second chance, both with my own life and with her. If it wasn't for her, I know that I wouldn't be standing here tonight. I wouldn't be able to appreciate all of the awesome blessings I have found during my recovery process, especially my faith and my life with her."

"When Kel and I were registering for wedding gifts, we went to all those same department stores that people typically do. We looked at expensive things that we didn't really need to build a life together. We even went as far as to scan champagne glasses and a tea kettle and a slipcover for her love seat. In the end, though, that wasn't what we asked for," Ryan continued. "It was Kelly's idea to give back to the program that had given us another chance. Without the steps of Narcotics Anonymous, I wouldn't have been able to do this."

"It took twelve steps to recovery to bring Ryan here," Kelly spoke up. "Every step that he took, I had to take it with him. I am so grateful that we found this program because without it, we wouldn't be here. You all wouldn't be here. It took a room full of strangers and a lot of prayer to do this. I can't imagine a better wedding gift than to give back to this. Because of your generous gifts tonight, we have raised thousands of dollars that will go to outreach for families and individuals dealing with the impact of addiction. Because of all of you, another family will get a second chance at a life together."

"Today, Kel and I not only celebrate our marriage, we celebrate the twelfth step in my recovery process. _I have had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, carried this message to others and practiced these principles in all my affairs._ It's a step I will take every single day of my life, over and over again," Ryan started to finish up. Kelly was right there by his side, the pillar of strength he would always be able to lean against. "Kel and I just want to thank you all for your part in tonight. And I want to thank her for all the days that became before this one and all the ones that will come after it." He looked over at her and winked, bringing a toothy grin to her beautiful face. "Kel, this song is my gift to you."

Ryan had spent hours pouring over lists of songs online, trying to find the perfect song for her. There wasn't a set of lyrics that could express everything he needed to say to her, so instead, he went for something that he knew would make her laugh. As the opening strain to Britney Spear's "Sometimes" filled the ballroom, he led her out to the middle of the floor and wrapped her in an impromptu waltz. People flooded around them and even Angela seemed to appreciate the pure fun of the moment.

It was only later, when her wedding dress was discarded in a chair in the corner of their bedroom and they sat in their bed eating leftover cake in their pajamas that Ryan and Kelly took a moment to slow down again. They would leave early the next morning for a full week of fun in the sun in Fiji, a gift to them both from his parents for their wedding. Kelly's father had sent over a check after the receptionist, a curt courier sent to deliver the only thing a father could give his little girl on a day where she married someone that he would never like.

"Hey, Kel?"

"Hmm?" she replied between bites. Ryan chuckled and leaned over to lick a bit of frosting off the tip of her nose. She caught his chin as he pulled away and brought him back to her for another kiss. Her mouth taste of strawberries and confection sugar.

Pressing his forehead against hers, his words were a mere breath tickling her chin. "I love you."

"I know," she nodded, her cheek brushing against his. "I've always known."

"Of course you have," he retorting, knowing that it was true. She had, and in a way, he had. "There was something that I didn't say tonight, a part of the speech that I left out. I kind of wanted to just share it with you."

"And what is that, Ryan Bailey Howard?"

He smiled at her as she ruffled his hair, letting her hand fall to rest on his cheek. "Thank you for answering the phone that night," he said simply.

"I was always your last call."

The words took on two different meanings but brought them to the same place. "And my first, my only."

* * *

Ryan and Kelly were never supposed to happen again, that is what she told the camera crew three months later when she sat in the conference room, Stanley just barely visible in the background. Her face was glowing as she sat in for her first interview since returning from the summer hiatus. The production company had a lot to catch up on, what with everything that had happened both in front of and behind the camera in the past several months. It was only when Kelly looked up shyly behind long lashes that they realized that there was something else that they were still missing.

Kelly leaned down and rummaged around in her purse before revealing a crumpled paper bag. She slid the contents of the package out and held it up for the camera to see. It was a white plastic applicator with a bright red plus sign visible through the tiny window. "We're having a baby."

The camera panned over to show a proud Ryan beaming at his wife. "I hope it's a girl."

"I keep telling him that we should have a boy first so that he can stick up for his baby sister."

"Like I have any control over it at this point, Kel," he rolled his eyes."As long as we don't name him or her Usher."

"Ryan, we talked about this!"

"No, sweetie, you talked about this," he said calmly. He knew how emotional she was these days. Kelly pushed her bottom lip out in a false pout. "Okay, okay, we can talk about it again."

She clapped excitedly before winking at the camera, much like that sly little grin she had given the crew all those years ago when she had nailed Jan with her feigned stupidity over sports metaphors. "Michael wants to be the godfather."

"I'm really glad that we're not Catholic," Ryan said to her before shaking his head at the camera. "I mean, can you imagine? He keeps talking about how _we're_ having a baby. I'm scared that he's going to try to bust into the delivery room."

"Gay adoption is really hot right now, Ryan," she reminded him. "The two of you could totally get married and have babies now. It's legal in a few states."

Ryan shot her a dirty look that quickly collapsed into laughter as she started to giggle at him. "Funny."

"I thought so," she deadpanned before looking at the guy with the boom. "Didn't you think?"

The camera shook slightly as both the producer and cameraman joined in the laughter.

"Cut," came a faceless voice. "That's a wrap."

_Fin._


End file.
